Well it’s about time I got back to this…
There’s no need for a prologue, lets just get down to business. The previous rating system still applies, and to refresh your memory, here’s it again :
1 Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : This game sucks monkey balls, you’re better of just being bored.
2 Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : This game is alright, if you’re wedged in a tight spot of boredom and need some gaming action.
3 Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : This game is mediocre by all standards but will do to cure the average bored individual.
4 Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : This game is awesome, and is highly recommended for combating boredom.
5 Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : The awesomeness of this game is indescribable. One should purposely become bored to play this game.
Let’s commence :
Marvel Ultimate Alliance : Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : 1
This here is another comic based game, where you get to use a range of superheroes ranging from Spiderman to Thor, the son of Odin! All said and done, this silly little adventure game seems to be targeted towards zit-filled teenagers, who succumb to nonsense. There are ample characters to unlock and choose from, but the majority of my gameplay revolved around Wolverine, cause he’s just a badass. All the other characters come nowhere close to Wolverine. If wolverine was real, he’d be black, that’s just how awesome wolverine is. Now that i’ve gotten wolverine out of the context, that’s about as good as the game gets, everything else sucks. The gameplay is monotonous and tedious. You’d have to lift up the silliest of objects, ranging from control panels to empty canisters, to find coins which can be used to purchase upgrades and unlockables. Don’t play this game unless you’re 13 going on 10.
Jade Empire : Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : 3
Now this here’s a good role playing game. Originally an X-BOX exclusive (a word weakly defined in the gaming industry), was ported onto the PC, and may I add, rather flawlessly. The story revolves around a student in a martial arts village, unsurprisingly, this student would eventually determine the fate of the world, or china at least. Themed around the dynasty age of china, you explore 4 major sites around china that screams well designed. Mountainous valley with treacherous ghosts, bandit hideout with nothing short of traps, damp caves and giant frogs (?).
The major ass-kicking point contributor is the character development in this story. You are given the choice of either being a pansy lil-open-fisted girl, where all your decisions are morally abiding and righteous or you get to play me, a closed-fist renegade bastard out to destroy the world. If you think that your decision has no real consequence, you’re wrong, it affects the entire gameplay. The most minor affect would be the abillity to learn a special skill move, depending on your alignment and one of the major ones being killing off teammates.
On top of the usual, you can develop your characters romantic endeavors. In a sense, you could raise a romantic guy/girl relationship, or an exotic lesbian attraction with your peers, provided you do all the right things. The game itself isn’t far too long, but the plot twists, while sometimes predictable, is somewhat interesting. The names are boorish, ‘The Brilliant Strategist’, the Flying Monk, the Swift Train, and other saturated bullshit but, I guess there was no other way to name chinese folks.
I’d recommend this game to anyone as it’s got a lil’ something to cater everyone. Even the gay folks around the back. The only downside of this game was the inability to use a stinking gamepad! Not mine anyways.
FarCry : Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : 4
FarCry…has…stunning…graphics! The whole idea behind farcry was not to make a really awesome game, but to show gamers and developers alike what the CryEngine can do. Basically it’s like a gay-ass-demo so that other developers license the damn engine to produce their own games. You can get a field of vision ranging all the way to 1 km! The story isn’t all that great, with you playing the typical ex-marine/special op’s who gets dragged into combat all over again. To make the story interesting, some mutant genetic experiment is thrown in. This cliché does not make the game any less fun. Where to start….
The game requires two approaches, stealth, or get in there and kick some ass. Ammunition is rather limited and sometimes, a little stealth action is better than just spilling blood everywhere. For example, there is a part of the game where you come across a long bridge, with a choper coming soon to drop off reinforcement at the zone you start with. There are 3 options to tackle this situation. You may either, a) Cross the Bridge like a man, and most probably die, or b) Dive down towards the waiting waters and swim across and ascend on the other side, or c) Use the forklift to the left and drive it across the forest enshrouded path around the bridge, taking out 2/3 patrol soldiers. Weapons range from your usual rambo knife, to m4a1’s, making it as realistic as possible. No FPS is the same without sniper riffles, so lets not forget that.
There are 5 (memory) difficulty settings and anything beyond Normal is a challenge. You take more damage and deal less damage and work with less ammunition. Again, the game is pretty short, and a solid 3-4 hours settles it, at Hard difficulty.
The best part is, if you don’t like the campaign, head online and look for Mod’s, there are tonnes of those, and most of them, are pretty decent. I did not try the multiplayer mode, so I’ll refrain from commenting on that. Play it!
Trackmania Unlimited : Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : 4.5
TU, what this game is all about is mindless gravity defying fun with cars. Rally Cars, F1 cars, and even them nasty derby ones. I’m too lazy to type out everything it features, but, if you want a good hour of fun, TU is all there is to it. Albeit, playing this game more than an hour tends to get very boring, very fast, which stops it from getting a full 5 rating. Try it, nothing beats boredom faster than TU!
Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars : Level of ‘kick-ass’-ness : 4.7
C&C has always been about two factions going against each other, the Global Defence Initiative (GDI) and the Brotherhood of NOD (NOD). C&C 3 is of the Real-Time Strategy genre and boy does it look pretty. Units are well designed, map terrain doesn’t lag behind and the best part is, you’re able to play the game on slightly slower PC’s. Many prefer Company of Heroes (CoH) over C&C 3, for the latter is not exactly RTS-redefining, but it’s a hell-of-a-lot-of-FUN. My beef with the game again, was how brief it was. There were 10 GDI campaign, followed by 10 NOD, and a special Scrin campaign, 4 in total. Scrin, without too much of a spoiler, is a new addition to the factions already in place in the C&C universe.
A little about gameplay, it’s back to the classic C&C, and it’s amazing. Nukes, EMP shockwaves, Chemical Bombs, satellites firing, it’s all there. The cheesy briefing video’s were not forgotten, but made interesting with hotties from House and battlestar galactica making special appearances. Sawyer from Lost is part of the NOD faction, reminding us in every mission how much he loves sexual innuendos. Apparently he’d give his left nut (not the right one mind you), to hit the battle field.
Story, well Kane’s back, not surprisingly, surviving the previous attempt at his life. The world is now divided, between blue/yellow and red zones. Blue zones being zones with the tiberium (a green mineral used for harvesting, the only resource in the game) growth controlled, thus being fully habitable, with GDI in control, Yellow zones being moderately spread with tiberium, majority control bestowed upon NOD, and Red zones which are completely inhabitable due to large tiberium growth all over the place. Story revolves in a way to introduce the new faction, while GDI and NOD go at it all over again. It all starts with an attack onto the pentagon and the white house.
Play this game, period. While the game is short, multiplayer, with EA’s new ranking system promises some good fun. While nothing innovative takes place here, it lives up to all the standards set by previous C&C’s. An expansion pack is set to hit in the fall, upon which many of the unanswered plot questions should most probably be revealed.
I’m pretty sure you’ll get solid gaming with most of the games mentioned here, and there’s no point in going on. However, there are a few games that are so damned epic that they get a flat 5 rating, which a review of mine could do no justice. Listed below are those games, in no particular order.
– Final Fantasy VII
– Starcraft
– Warcraft
– Metal Gear Solid
– Deus Ex
– Baldur’s Gate
That being said, stop wanking and get gaming,
GameMaster,
HypoG
