The World Is My WC

“Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your hearts.” –Louis CK

I think that basically sums it all up.

I don’t normally tread on gender related issues, because you know, I usually like to talk about myself. However, I’ve been paying a fair amount of attention to women lately (no cute guys at The Curve, it’s a real shame) and I’ve managed to pick out three things that women do which should make them consider a psychiatric evaluation, or yoga classes at the very least.

1. Stalking the object of their affection/ former object of their affection

I won’t lie; I do some mild stalking. I don’t do anything that might result in me receiving a restraining order, but it’s very likely that I’ll manage to get your mailing address which I’ll never have a reason to use. While I’m content with giving up on digging dirt about my crush the moment my attention span bails on me, the same cannot be said of many other females. They can sit online for hours, follow the same people he does on Twitter, casually plan their day so the guy can be observed and hack his email account just to find out what’s going on in his life. For some odd reason, even long after the guy stops playing a significant part in their lives, the stalking continues. It may not be as hardcore as before, but it goes on.

2. Making a big fuss about stuff they’re not even supposed to know

This one is an extension of #1. I don’t do this, because then the person I’m stalking will think I’m a creepy stalker. Which I’m not. I’m just a regular stalker, but enough about me. Women will find out all sorts of things that should not be any of their concern and confront the stalked about it. Here’s an example:

Girl: How could you have such dirty chats with that fake-boobed tart?

Guy: Her boobs are fake? No way! Wait.. what chats?

Girl: The ones you password protected on your laptop! Why do all you guys go for skanks?

Guy: Why are you going through my private stuff?!

Girl: That’s not the point! You’ve hurt and disappointed me terribly. How could you?

Guy: *looks confused* But we’re just friends! What’s it to you if I’m chatting with another girl?

Girl: *mentally disembowels guy and walks off*

To top it all off, it is very likely that the woman will tell her posse of friends who will tell other friends, and thanks to the world being so fucking small with almost 7 billion people on it, everyone will know something that she should feel guilty about finding out in the first place.

Stupid Broca’s area.

3. Hating people for really, really dumb reasons

I’m not talking about being a little annoyed because a colleague chews gum really loudly while humming the theme song from Desperate Housewives. I’m talking about the kind of loathing that causes a woman to bully and backbite another person. I might understand if a woman hates a person for stealing and drawing on her first edition Lady Chatterley’s Lover or running over her dog, but reasons like, “because she doesn’t deserve the iPad 2 given by her boyfriend who is not related to me in any way” and “he says my name too many times when he talks to me” will forever baffle me.

I’m sure there’s more. Some of you may even have lists of your own, so please feel free to share them. We can all be confused together.