Covet Thy Neighbour’s Sleep

Some people have it all; good looks, a great job, wonderful family, money to buy super cool gadgets that they vaguely know how to use… the works. I don’t envy those people. Unless they get to sleep in more than I do.

Out of all the wonderful things life has to offer, sleeping in is pretty high up there in my Orgasmic Things That Make Me Fear Death list. It’s so high up there that I envy people who are asleep when I have to be awake. In fact, it’s so high up there that animals are not spared when it comes to my envy.

Everyone knows I’m not a morning person, and if they don’t, they should know for their own safety. I think it’s mostly because I sleep late, but there’s definitely a part of me that looks pissed because I’m thinking about all the people who don’t have to be awake when I am. It’s a long, horrible thought, only stopped by my acknowledgement of time zones.

Two incidents made me realise that I need help and/or more sleep. One involved my dog as a puppy and the other had something to do with half the population of Malaysia.

In 2003, when I had just started college, I got myself a puppy. An adorable little bugger I decided to call Wishbone. He was the cutest thing ever, with his floppy ears and huge eyes. There was just one issue though, I had to wake up at 5.20 in the morning for his poo walk. Wishbone had a very small time frame when it came to his morning defecation. At 5.20, he’d be asleep, but come downstairs at 5.30 and he’d be asleep, 3 feet away from fresh poo. Snoozing was not an option.

Anyway, I’d put his leash on and drag him out at 5.20 and all that lazy cunt would do was take a few steps out the door and sleep on the street! If you lived nearby and were awake, you probably would’ve heard things like, ” I could be SLEEPING NOW, YOU INGRATE!” and ” fuck you, I’m buying doggy diapers.” The worst part was, I didn’t even feel bad that I was yelling at a 10-week old puppy. I would sort of loathe him when I had to leave for classes at 6.45 am and he would be curled up in a tight ball, fast asleep.

That was ten years ago, when I was young and selfish. Turns out, not much has changed. If anything at all, I’ve become more ridiculous with this sleeping business.

Last week, my family couldn’t attend Mass on Saturday evening because of a potent combination of rain, a Nike 10km run and a 3-hour traffic jam. This meant that we had to (i.e. THEY had to) attend Sunday morning Mass, which was at 6.45am. Insane, right? So, there I was, waking up at 5.30 in the miserable morning, trying my best not to snap at anyone because my mum HATES it when I bring others down with my bad mood and fantasising about throwing the motherfucker of all tantrums in the car. All the way to church, while staring out into the dark sky, all I could think ¬†was, “28 million people, half might have woken up for dawn prayers, maybe a few thousand more are working right now and the rest are sound asleep. FUUUUUUCK!”

Envy is a crazy master.