The Heart Is Pierced, But The Tongue Bleeds

Between 20th December 2007 and 16th June 2008, three people who were very dear to me passed away. I don’t think that I showed much grief, not more than the average person anyway. Without me realizing at first, these deaths, especially the last two, left a significant mark on me.

Prior to this, I looked at death in a very detached manner. I understood that the pain that comes from the death of a person is simply because we will miss the deceased. I believed that they were headed to a better place, and they were no longer subjected to the nonsense that happens here on Earth.

I still believe those things, but now I know exactly how much I can miss a person and I know exactly how much it can hurt and how long it takes for the pain to go away. I don’t want to feel that for a long, long time.

During those dark six months, a few things happened:

1. The one person I really wanted to comfort me was nowhere to be found. The person’s absence cemented my secret fear: they didn’t care and didn’t want to have anything to do with me at all.

2. The people I had just gotten to know a little better were more comforting than they could have ever known, even though their methods were slightly unconventional to me.

3. I found out that work and anime are excellent distractions.

4. I much rather someone quietly hug me than say something like, “you’re still upset? But he died yesterday!”

All in all, this whole death business changed a very big part of me. I try not to say hurtful things when I’m angry. It’s not easy, since being hurtful is a talent of mine, right up there with hair trimming and making bad jokes. I consciously make an effort to not make something worse than it already is. I worry about those who are dear to me every single day. Most of all, I do everything within my power to make sure that I don’t have many regrets if I do lose any of them.

Why am I bringing this up suddenly? Because there are some people out there who are making me choose between being quiet and keeping the peace with them while others suffer, and saying hurtful things that will make me look like a hypocrite but may force their eyes open.

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