Author Archives: judene

When The Uterus Drops

  By judene | February 8, 2011 - 2:52 am | Out of the Blue
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If I were to translate the topic I’m supposed to be reading now, it would be something along the lines of, “Incorrect Position of Sexual Organs”. The textbook has no pictures, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, because my imagination tends to run with reckless abandon.

Imagination or no imagination, I’m inclined to do a little bit of random blogging because this chapter is only nine pages long. Quite a treat, I would say.

1. I realized that I never blogged about my trip to Myanmar, and that’s just sinful. No credit cards, no mobile network coverage, dodgy “unofficial” money changers and a 2km walk uphill to Shwe Dagon Pagoda in the rain where there’s no proper sidewalks. I can’t believe that slipped my mind.

That's where we were headed to on foot. My idea, naturally.

2. I am such a sellout. I’m pretty sure about two years ago, I was ranting on and on about finding Twitter and the need for people to tweet every bloody thing they do utterly ridiculous. Now, I have a Twitter account and I’m on it more than I am on Facebook. My cousin Hera called me a “conformer to society” but completely understood when I said I was following sex-bloggers. Sometimes I wonder what sort of impression I leave on that 17- year old. Truth be told, I’m having lots of fun on Twitter because I’ve made it a point not to follow anyone I know from my uni or school. Part of the quarter life crisis nonsense I’ve mentioned before. Wait, I seem to have lost the plot. All I wanted to say was I’ve been following some really interesting people, especially bloggers (erotic and otherwise) and I’m pleased to say that I have a swamp of good blogs to read nowadays.

3. I am seriously considering going somewhere for my next winter holidays. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I’ve been in Moscow for almost 6 years and I’ve never gone anywhere besides home. The problem mainly lies in the fact that I like being in places, I loathe getting there. I must be such a disgrace to my Nanna, the woman traveled around Europe alone at the age of 65. At 25, I’m sitting on my wobbly ass complaining about wanting to go places and not actually going. I’ve been leaning towards visiting London, but we’ll see where my bank balance takes me.

Okay. The remaining five pages are giving me dirty looks. Till the next short, visually disturbing chapter.

My Winter Break (I Kid You Not)

  By judene | February 5, 2011 - 3:03 am | Uncategorized
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I can’t believe I’m going to type this. This used to be my least favourite topic to write about in primary school, and here I am, posting it on my blog for people (yes, all four of you) to read. The exams must have fucked me harder than I recall.

My two-week winter holidays have finally come to an end. I’m looking forward to classes, mainly because this is what I’ve been up to:

1. Swatting flies. Literally. Thanks to Pedro, my half-blind, fully annoying guinea pig. Apparently the perfectly balanced combination of rodent poo, bedding and hidden stashes of food is excellent for breeding noisy, filthy flies. There are so many of them that I’ve gone slightly nutty. I am convinced that they have favourite spots, strategies to avoid me (sitting anywhere above 160 cm from the floor seems to do the trick) and personalities. I’m pretty sure that any sane person will know that I’m expecting too much from an insect that lives for less than a month.

Pedro in his home a.k.a Diptera Love Shack

Either way, I’ve invested in a decent fly swatter. Whenever I go on my daily “hunt”, it looks like I’ve combined badminton with basketball and pro-wrestling. I add pro-wrestling into the mix because there’s a fair amount of smack talk from me while I’m on my killing spree, ranging from “I’m going to kill you and spit upon your buzzing corpse” to “Hah! Go ahead, fuck around with me. Make my day.”

2. Shopping. This one was quite disappointing, not because there weren’t enough outlets with mad sales, or because there was nothing appealing to me. I just can’t shop. I’ve tried. I’ve gone with friends, I’ve gone alone, I’ve tried going early to avoid crowds, I’ve tried going when I had more time than I could care for. For some inexplicable reason, I cannot walk into every shop in a mall and scrutinise every item on display just for the heck of it. I rarely buy stuff because I want it, and even when I do, I rush into a store, quickly scan the place, buy the thing and scurry out. I’ve been in denial for some time now, but last week, when I was impatiently weaving through people to get out of a mall when I has absolutely NO reason to rush, I knew that it was pointless; I just don’t do shopping.

3. Eating. This wasn’t part of the plan, well at least not my plan. My plan was to spend some quality time walking outside with my pedometer on so that I could finally conquer virtual Tokyo and maybe have a small victory in the Tight Jeans Battle. My friends’ plan was to cook all sorts of lovely, decadent meals that would render us motionless after consumption. The choice between gobbling good food and walking in subzero temperatures was not a hard one to make. Class is on Monday, I’ll be wearing track bottoms.

At this rate, my Gynaecology cycle is beginning to look very inviting.

Chakhobili, Kimbap and Chicken Tikka

  By judene | January 14, 2011 - 4:34 am | Uncategorized
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Normally I try not to write during exam season, but I seem to be breaking all my usual superstitions. For instance, I have yet to wear my lucky Oktoberfest hoodie, my nails are painted pink and I just trimmed my hair. Horrors! I MUST be trying to flunk this semester.

Truth be told, I’m supposed to start preparing for my next paper, called General Health and Healthcare (as translated by Google). Every time I look at the notes for this thing, I perceive them as God’s way of punishing me for fucking up my A-Levels..twice. The joke on the Russian students’ forums is that this paper is purely luck. You could write a lot and get a satisfactory mark, or you could pay for the paper..and still get a satisfactory mark.

While not everything has been peachy this year (I know, I KNOW. It’s only been two weeks), I see a lot of good things for the future. The Year of the Rabbit is coming about, which is a pretty good year for me. The last one was in 1999, which I believe was the year I pulled the cactus out my ass and decided to not drag my chin on the ground.

2011 is going to bring me Seungri’s solo mini album, for one thing. I’ve watched the teaser for the music video, and I’m swooning. Sure, he has that look that says, “you know you love, how could you not?” but his 39-second clip already has me dreaming about him.

Then there’s Jay Sean. I’ve been following him on Twitter and the dude is mad. Those who have Twitter, follow him. You will be regaled with informative and memorable panda “facts”. Plus he does really cute things like get easily amused and tweet about it. Oh wait, the idea was to express my excitement over his upcoming album. See? This kind of thing is called derailment in Psychology. Don’t take my word for it, though.

Well, what do you know? Only Seungri and Jay Sean are my highlights for this year. Goes to show what sort of priorities I have.

Happier post after February 3rd. I may blog before that, but be warned, they’re probably going to be bitchfits.

Take Your Pick

  By judene | January 5, 2011 - 10:34 pm | Bitchfit
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I’ve done something like this before on my old blog. Seems to me that it’s time for a Round #2.

1. I am neither your maid, your chef nor your errand girl.

2. Stop sabotaging your own chances. It makes you look pathetic and it irritates me.

3. Stop calling out other people’s mistakes without fixing yours. At least TRY not to be a hypocrite.

4. It’s normal to feel bad for yourself once in a while. Do it all the time, and you’re mocking a whole lot of destitute people without food, shelter and/or loved ones.

5. Is there anything you don’t complain about? It’s either too far, too long, too hard or a waste of time. Get over yourself.

6. You don’t get to decide the motive behind every person’s actions. And you certainly don’t get to decide whether the actions are right or not.

7. For every class or lecture you miss, you are wasting someone’s hard-earned money. Yes, even if you’re on scholarship.

8. You’re not good just because you don’t behave sexually suggestive, and that girl with the short skirt and stiletto boots isn’t necessarily bad for having Jell-O shots with five other guys.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside..

  By judene | December 29, 2010 - 8:50 pm | Uncategorized
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Here’s a little update:

1. I’ve fallen twice and had a major slip once, all in the span of two weeks. I’m expecting the lower half of my body to be very, very sore. After the icing session over the weekend, I’ve decided to just fall whenever gravity pulls me.

2. Christmas was awesome and tiring. Here’s proof:

This MAY have been after the eggnog

Nothing like 'Christmas in a Cup' to start the day

Us Girls Being Fancy at Lotte Plaza

The Mandatory Party of the Bekker Family

See? FUN.

3. Classes are over, which means exams are around the corner. I have the pleasure of sitting for FOUR papers this winter. Don’t be surprised if you don’t see a post after the 9th of January.

4. November and December have been months of eating, drinking and being merry. In other words, I cannot fit into ANYTHING. Hopefully stress metabolizes all my jolly bits.

5. A new year will show up in a few days. Hopefully it starts with a bang the way this year did. A lot happened, but nothing I feel like mentioning now.

2010 in a (large) nutshell coming soon. Preferably before 2011.

Skating Rink? Where??

  By judene | December 14, 2010 - 12:30 am | Uncategorized
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Every year since 2005, I’ve been trying to prepare myself for winter. You’d think it would be easy after going through it every damned year, but no. Russia is a cruel bitch like that. Just when you think you’ve gotten the hang of it, something changes.

I know it’s not Russia’s fault per se for the schizophrenic weather. It’s all the crap people do to the environment. But to all the recyclers and hybrid users out there, I know and you know that we deserve karmic points of some sort.

I can’t exactly pinpoint when exactly winter began, but I’m assuming it’s the week the temperature decided to drop from +2 degrees Celsius to -16 degrees, without a hint of snow and wind blowing from every direction that can be pinpointed by a compass.

On the 4th of December, snow finally graced the streets of Moscow. Maybe not graced…more like bitchslapped. Point is, once it snows, it doesn’t feel so cold anymore. The weather is actually pretty bearable. What not many counted on was it to get so warm that the snow melted. Over the weekend, not only was the temperature back in positive numbers, it rained. The rain that would have been useful during the summer heatwave came upon us like a million elephants in the sky relieving themselves.

Here’s the thing about rain in winter: when it goes back to subzero temperatures, the water becomes ICE. Every single drop of water on the sidewalk is now a potential neck-breaker. There is now a layer of ice at least an inch thick EVERYWHERE.

Why have I decided to whine about this? Because whining is totally my thing. And I really don’t want to read about scarlet fever. Plus the damned ice made me fall on my poor (but fat) ass.

I’ve finished walking around my virtual New York and now I’m in Tokyo. Because of the weather and my recent flu, I’ve not been able to walk as much as I’d like to. Today, after class, I decided to walk home from the Metro station, just to see exactly how treacherous the path was. If it was alright, the plan was to walk to the Metro station every morning. It seemed fine, and my mind was drifting, thinking about a thousand things at once, telling myself that all geniuses do stuff that the rest of the world dismisses as ADD.

After about five minutes of walking, I reached a certain area where I thought, “hey, this is where I fell five years…FUCK!!!” Next thing I know, I’m sliding on my butt, legs in the air, looking like a tortoise on its back. Clearly, I don’t learn from my mistakes. I scrambled to get up and continued walking, hoping no one I knew was walking behind me.

You’d assume that I would get it in my head that it’s not really safe to walk until someone attacks the sidewalks with an ice pick. Humbug! I strutted (as much as a person with a bruised butt could strut) past every single bus stop. One stop away from my hostel lay about 3 metres of nothing but ice and scratch marks from those who had slipped before. I was literally at the bus stop, but I continued moving. My pride would not let me take the bus for one measly stop. I looked at the danger before me and figured that maybe if I made gliding motions, I could get across without too much trouble. Wrong. So very, very wrong.

I took my first step/glide and nearly fell. I tried to steady myself, but my feet just kept sliding back and forth without any actual movement forward. It was like a scene out of a cartoon. I don’t know how I did it ( sometimes the brain chooses to suppress traumatic events) but I got myself to the snow and trudged back home.

On the bright side, I got 95 Nike Fuel points and managed to cross the Rainbow Bridge. I also know that I had better keep my bus pass topped up till March.

Irregularly Irregular

  By judene | November 15, 2010 - 11:08 pm | Out of the Blue
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I could write a whole post on my futile attempts to buy Corteo tickets, but that will probably just make me super bummed. It’s bad enough the damned adverts are plastered in almost every Metro station I go to.

Instead, I shall humour myself (and possibly you) with my soliloquy.

1. The 25th birthday was pretty awesome. There was cake, gifts, ice cream, booze and karaoke. All in that order.

2. For ONCE, I have a really cute, sweet, young, male teacher for a two-week cycle. Have I mentioned that I LOVE November?

3. Snow’s not here yet, and the weather has been pretty decent. I wouldn’t mind the current situation dragging its feet for a while. At least, my pedometer is being put to good use again.

4. There’s a lot to say, but sometimes I don’t know what to say to whom, so it’s probably safer to say nothing to no one.

5. I still need something to excite me. The need is apparently so great that I’ve had dreams of  roller-coasters and Flying Fox. I’m sure being scared out of my mind will do the trick, though.

That’s all, folks!

Words of a Naive Schoolgirl

  By judene | October 30, 2010 - 8:45 pm | Bitchfit
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1. ” God made sex something enjoyable so that people will want to procreate.” Clearly He did not foresee the invention of condoms, the Pill, IUD and spermicide. He may have overdone the pleasure factor.

2. “Guys don’t only take looks into consideration. Personality matters, too.” Sure. Kim Kardashian’s butt is NOTHING compared to her ability to hold an intellectual conversation.

3. “People will be less shallow when they get older.” Yes, that’s why there’s a landfill of shows that judge clothes, physical attributes and social status.

4. “When you study your specialty in Uni, you’ll probably meet more people you can relate with.” Ever heard of parents forcing kids to do what they don’t want to?

5. “Things always turn out fine.” No, you dumbfuck, they don’t.

The Death of Secrecy

  By judene | October 24, 2010 - 1:14 am | Uncategorized
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This post is too premature. In an ideal world, its date of maturity is close to never.

In a bid to be opaque, I’ve gotten pretty damned close to having a face full of eczema. I’m more vain than proud, so I much rather pour out my feelings than invest in steroid creams.

He does and does and does some more. Anything to make her smile. Anything for a sense of approval from her. He doesn’t want to rock the boat, for fear she may fall overboard. He can’t lose her, she has seen so much of him. No one has seen him the way she has.

Yet, he knows nothing about her. Her past, her future…nothing. To her, he is not worthy of such knowledge. He lulls himself by thinking that only a privileged few are enlightened to see the nooks and crannies of her soul. Unfortunately, most of the time, it feels like the whole world is privileged except him.

It gnaws at him when he sees her with others, without a care in the world. A needle punctures his heart everytime she sees others but never him.

He summons up the courage to make himself known, fights to open her eyes so she can see him. But all she ever does is dismiss him, shoo him away like the nuisance she perceives him to be.

He convinces himself that it’s the last time she steps on his pride, that enough is enough and he will move on. That conviction never lasts long. He loathes himself for clutching on to a foot that kicks his face.

Throughout all the pain and torture, the tears and the sadness, the longing and the envy of others, his one question is constant,

“Why do I mean so little to you?”

Too Late For HNT

  By judene | October 16, 2010 - 10:39 pm | Out of the Blue
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If you think I’m on a blogging spree, you’re wrong. I’m just procrastinating. That is supposed to explain this set of randoms.

  1. I’m supposed to be doing my Psychiatry patient history. It’s not long, it’s in English and I seem to be taking forever. I keep thinking that my teacher is going do a mini evaluation on me based on how I present this history. How self-absorbed am I, eh?
  2. I’ve recently (i.e. yesterday) started watching Californication. It’s Abilash’s fault, really. He said there was this show with a lot of sex in it. I jest! Not about what he said, but the influence of his words. Anyway, I downloaded the first season, and I like it. While there are too many boobies for my taste (truth: they have made me even more self-conscious than before) and the lines are pretty vulgar, the story is a nice one. I want to hate Hank Moody (played by David Duchovny) for being a drunken ass-hat with a dick that might as well have an “Occupied” sign hanging off it, but he has principles in the weirdest of ways. Can I relate? No, I have no principles.
  3. I’m about a decade late, but I seem to have a teensy, almost non-existent fan-girl crush on Rivers Cuomo of Weezer. If we were in high school together, I’d totally want to hit that. He’s adorkable, if possible at the age of 40. Needless to say, I’ve been listening to old Weezer songs, and reminiscing about the good old days when songs weren’t about auto-tune and paying royalties to other artistes.

Next time: Nathan Fillion, crap Russian weather, and the desire to eat a shaurma every time my tight jeans start fitting me right.